China & Identity

Pac Rim means grease stains. No joke, almost every piece of clothing I own has some kind of oil stain on it. With eating crazy foods that are often oily, especially while using chopsticks, food is always falling on my lap or oil is splashing on my shirts. So all my clothes are stained. It really just adds to the grimy look that comes with consistently living and traveling in a pack of 25 people, which means limited shower time and limited laundry opportunities.

I'm sitting in Starbucks (I know, really?) in Suzhou, and I just realized my leggings are on inside out. It's the day after thanksgiving and I guess a late night of card games and wine took its toll on my abilities to be put together this morning; luckily it is our first free day in awhile. I haven't blogged in way too long because my computer has been broken for about 2 weeks starting when we arrived in China at the beginning of November. It just got fixed last week, thank goodness! It was a stressful couple of weeks doing all class readings on my phone but I am just super thankful that Pase, our program directors' partner, has the IT skills to dissect and diagnose my computer, and go out and find the part that needed replacing.

We started our time in China in Fuzhou, of Fujian province. We spent 10 days there staying on a college campus in dorms, providing us with an inside look to Chinese students our age and what university life is like here! We were also all paired with "buddies", students at the university who had volunteered to hang out with us during the 10 days we were there. It was basically their responsibility to take us around and get us using the public transport, bring us to meals, and show us around! Fuzhou is not a tourist destination and not a place foreigners every really go, so it is not accessible to people who don't speak Chinese. No English, and most people have literally never seen a foreigner or a white person before so we inevitably attracted a lot of attention. I mean, people would literally be taking photos of us in our faces or from afar as if we would not even notice. Pointing and staring, sometimes even stopping what they were doing to watch us. At first I don't think most of us minded, but it has definitely become a little weird and uncomfortable. Our lectures often take place in sites like temples or gardens, and when we are all together like that people will come up and ask for photos with us or just stand around us and stare until our director politely tells them to walk away. It's super weird and I have really never experienced attention like that as a foreigner. It is a little less intense for me than it is for other blonde or white people on the trip, since I am part Chinese. 

We took a 4 day tour all around Fujian province, where we went to see Tulou's (big circular buildings where a whole family clan lives in it together. Google it for more information! I would insert a link but my wifi isn't good enough for it to load). We also went to Gutian, the location where Mao met with other party leaders for the 9th party congress, and where the Long March commenced.  

After Fuzhou, we took the bullet train up to Beijing, where we spent another 10 days full of a few lectures, lots of site visits, and exploring the city. I absolutely loved Beijing. The little ally ways and Hutong neighborhoods mixing with the modern and bustling part of the city, great food (Beijing duck...SO good!!), and accessibility to beautiful parks, museums, shopping, etc. made for a fun filled 10 days. We saw dead Mao in his mausoleum, and went to the National Museum of China; claimed to be the largest museum in the WORLD!  The Forbidden City and and Pearl Market were two of my favorite places. At the Pearl Market you can basically get knockoff ANYTHING, from lulu lemon to Marc Jacobs to Yeezys. Finding the lulu lemon store was quite the adventure, it was very hidden behind what looked like to be a "jewelry store" but behind the curtain was all kinds of Lulu lemon clothes, patagonia, etc. We really had to ask around to find it, it is not a place that could be found by someone who didn't know it was there. The only reason we knew it was existed is because Delaney's mom told her about it. Long story short, we had a real black market experience and it was THRILLING!! 

From Beijing we went to Nanjing for two nights and one full day via train, where we learned more about the Nanjing Massacre. After Nanjing we came to Suzhou, where we are now until tomorrow when we leave for Shanghai. We will be in China for another 4 weeks (ish). 

It has been really special and valuable for me to be here. I didn't expect it at all, but I did get a little emotional getting off the plane in Fuzhou from Japan. My grandfather is from China, he came to the United States during the Japanese invasion when he was young with his family. His twin brother was killed in the bombing of their home near Chongqing. I have always known the basics of this story. But it wasn't until the last two years that I have spent studying Chinese history and politics (I am an Asian Studies minor) that I have realized the significance, learned in greater depth about what it was my grandfather lived through, that I have resonated with his history and the role it plays in my identity and who I am today. 

My grandfather passed away when I was 15. It was the first death of a close family member I went through, and it was very difficult; my parents, my sister, and myself lived with my grandparents until I was 11 or 12 so he was a consistent and present role in my life. He and my grandmother took trips nearly every winter to China and other places around Asia, and I always thought I would go to China someday, with him or with both of them. It was an expectation I had. And I am proud and grateful that I did make it here, and have had the opportunity to learn so much about Chinese history on campus prior to this trip as well as on this trip, and put some of my grandfathers story in context. On the other side of this, I feel like I am grieving his death in a way I haven't yet felt. I'm sad he is not around to know I am here, though I do believe he does somehow know. Sad that I never asked him more; about his life here, his feelings as a young boy leaving, what he misses most. How he feels about China now, and how far the country has come as a global power in the last 50 years. How he feels about everything that happened to China throughout his lifetime. Who his family is, our family, that is still here, what do they do? There is so much I want to know, and at 13 or 14 or 15 I simply didn't think about taking advantage of the time I had to ask these kinds of questions. They weren't things I wondered about with the same intensity I do today. Being in China now as a 21 year old, quarter Chinese woman is really impacting me, especially since the class we are taking right now is on Chinese nationalism and identity in the context of politics. 

I have always identified with the Chinese part of me more than other quarter Chinese people might; I attribute this to having lived with my grandfather for so many years of my life and being close to that side of the family. I am fortunate to have attended family reunions growing up with my Chinese side of the family who are in the States, where we would eat what seemed to be the most authentic Chinese food found in the area. It was in that space that I learned about Chinese New Year, traditions, and had the opportunity to be surrounded by Chinese people, whom there are very, very few of in Maine. However, as I grew older I wasn't really sure what to make of my ethnicity, because as we always say in class: "identity is a two way street". Surely the way others saw me as a person affected and still affects how I see myself. And growing up, no one could guess I was Chinese. Today at home in the states, no one would assume that unless I tell them. I frequently am asked "what are you?" and the common assumption is part black, part Asian. Other assumptions range from Italian to Hispanic to Hawaiian. No one really knows, and I don't take offense to it.  But I also don't think I fully understood how much those assumptions impacted me until now.  A compliment people tend to give me is "oh, you're beautiful, so exotic!" or "you are so ethnic".  My whole life I have internalized those words as part of my identity. Instead of coming to terms with and understanding that I am Chinese, it was more of me understanding myself as "ethnic" or "exotic". This is problematic in a variety of ways. Why was that the more attractive option for me, why was that easier?

I wasn't sure how Chinese people would perceive me, but it's not really something I was nervous for. I figured they would just see me and think: "American". But surprisingly, more often than not people do assume I am Chinese and they speak Chinese to me as if I will understand. If they aren't sure and I tell them I'm Chinese, their face lights up. Something we learned in class from a Chinese professor who guest lectured us was that Chinese people claim ALL Chinese people as "one of them". That includes overseas Chinese as long as their link to China is paternal. Therefore in the eyes of people in China I am considered Chinese before I am considered American. My reaction to all this, to being perceived as Chinese first and claimed as 'one of their own', was pride. Some people might find that hard to deal with as it conflicts with their own idea of themselves. I found it reassuring and truthfully it makes me happy, it makes me feel proud and capable of claiming that identity as my own in a way that I wasn't before; despite the fact it's only 1/4 and that people in the states won't always see that part of me before they see me as an "ethnic woman".  Being in China having the experiences I'm having has shown me that 1/4 is enough. I had thought maybe it wasn't, maybe in China I won't be accepted or understood as being Chinese and will continue to be stuck in this weird in-between place where I don't fully identify as a white American, or a Chinese American. I feel a sense of clarity coming to this country, a deeper acceptance, understanding, and pride in my ethnicity and my family history. I feel fortunate to have had this experience affect me in such a positive way, because I know for others it can do the opposite. 

On a different note, thanksgiving is happening and the holidays are coming which always means a wave of homesickness. But this time I feel like homesickness has turned into gratitude for all I have to miss. I truly am thankful beyond words for my family at home, who have always supported me in my endeavors. I would never be able to make these dreams come true without my parents. For my best friends, who remain a constant in my life as we're growing and changing and embarking on adventures of our own. And for the best boyfriend ever, Wren, who never fails to be there when I need him, despite the thousands of miles between us. I am so grateful for your listening abilities, your undying support, and your faith in me when I feel like freaking out and going home. And I am thankful for all my fellow Pac Rimmers; those who I get to share, laugh, and cry though this journey with. Only 3 months in and I can't wait to see what the next 6 will bring!

I would post photos but I'm using a VPN to access this since any site related to google is blocked in China, and my VPN makes wifi painfully slow!!! If you would like to see photos, I can email some of my personal favorites to you if you comment or email me at who@pugetsound.edu. Thanks for reading!!!