Self discovery and other things people do on gap years ...

The heat is suffocating here.  It's now March and dry season has officially began, although it felt like about a month ago that it started. And I hate it!!!

I know, I know. All you Mainers reading this are probably cursing my name thinking, "she doesn't realize how lucky she is!" Well guess what? I have lived plenty of Maine winters in my life time, and while they are long and yes, very harsh, sometimes bringing along with them a case of the winter blues; I would prefer that compared to the unbearable, sweaty and sticky days under constant sun.  

Let's go back two or three months.  In Thailand.  It was a bit different, there I had the beach, the ocean to cool down with along with a breeze. At that point in time Southeast Asia was new to me, every new day and every new thing still as exciting as the first.  

It has now been five months.  I am in a landlocked, tiny, communist country with no body of water near by except the two dirty, sewage filled rivers. The Nam Khan and the Mekong.  All day, every day is the same.  Hot, humid, dusty and dirty, with sweating tourists and dirty backpackers lingering around every corner.  

This is not to say that Luang Prabang isn't the charming little city I wrote about two months ago.  It still is.  There is great food, tons of culture, temples, Novice monks everywhere, cute cafes, anything and everything that someone traveling seeking a hidden gem in a strange foreign land could want. But if you're planning a visit here, don't make it longer than three weeks, and come sometime in January or December. What I said before is still true, time stands still here; after two months anyone would be ready to leave.  It's a small town and it get's stale, as any other tiny area does. 

What has this taught me? It's taught me that I LOVE the east coast.  I love having four seasons.  I love the constant change in weather.  I need that.  Is it possible for humans to have habitats? I'm pretty sure that's more than true.  I belong in a place near the ocean, with tall trees and fresh air.  Here in the heat, I am sluggish, I am lazy, slightly unmotivated.  I don't thrive in this atmosphere as much as I do in other places. I am living proof that humans do indeed have their own natural habitats. 

I am ready to move on.  There is a constant change here with new volunteers moving in every two weeks and people leaving every two weeks.  But at the same time, everything is always the same.  The same thing every day.  The same places on the weekened.   And those of us who are here for awhile and do get close, well to be completely honest we get sick of each other.  We're the only people we have to hang out with and there's like six of us, as you can imagine tensions run a little high. 

But on the other hand, I also feel I haven't connected with these people in the same way I have with the ones who I've met and kept in contact with. My best friends from home. A couple people from Italy, a couple people from Thailand.  Sure, you bond with everyone you meet who's sharing the same unique experience as you.  But only rarely is there a true soul to soul connection, an intimate one where it goes without saying that you just "get" each other. Humans need that, and that is what is lacking in my life at this point in time.  I have no real close friend here.  We all have fun and hang out but there's no one left that I really click with. So I'm ready to go. 

I find myself spending lots of time day dreaming about this upcoming summer on the island, seeing my friends and spending time with my family.  I'm often stuck inside my own head with a million different thoughts, that's what happens when you travel on your own for so long. I do not want to dream away my last three weeks here in Luang Prabang. At first whenever I caught myself thinking about that I'd stop, and try to be in the present moment. But honestly I don't think it's a bad thing to do that. I had no idea what I was doing with my life when I left on this adventure. And I still don't know. So I do think a lot about the future and what I'm going to do, in terms of college, work, friends, other people in my life. How will things turn out? Sometimes you need to be far away to think about these things and figure out what it is you really want.  And sometimes, the answer is right in front of you, or you come to the realization out of nowhere. I made the decision to apply to the University of Maine. I don't know if I will go there, or move out to Washington for school as planned. But I do know that where you go to college doesn't define your future, as I used to think.  I love Maine and I would love to be close to my family. Honestly, I believe I'll be happy with whatever I decide to do, and wherever I decide to go. I wouldn't have thought that 7 months ago. These are just a couple truths that have occurred to me during these past months away from home.  

Sometimes you need distance and too much time with your own thoughts to sort things out. To let things soak in, to learn to be present, to learn what kind of people you want to surround yourself with, to see your life with more clarity, to process all that you are and all that you've accomplished. To establish your goals. It's hard  to do that when it's just go go go.  Finish high school, go to college, get a job or go to grad school, and somewhere in all that; get married and have kids. How can someone possibly do that without just stopping and processing what the heck is happening in their life? What is it that you really want? What kind of person do you want to be? What type of person do you want to end up with? Will you settle for less? What do you believe is right, and what beliefs will you pass to your children?  Is your life all that you dreamed it'd be at this time? If not, what do you need to change? And most importantly, why haven't you made that change yet? 

Some people may think they have all these answers. But in my opinion that's not possible.  It's what we, as people are constantly working towards. Evolving into who we want to be, who we are destined to be.  Major credit to those who get there, who have all these answers and couldn't ask for more.  For me it's more about the journey, sorting it all out, I don't expect to come home feeling like I've searched every corner of my soul and have every answer about myself and who I am. I don't expect that to ever happen. But I can try, and I can question myself, and challenge myself, and I can hope for the best.  I can follow my heart and do what I think I know I need to do, or try my hardest to at least. It's true that in the end, that is all that really matters.