Back west

I'm in Sweden. 

My last week in Luang Prabang I MEANT to write, I really did. I had so much to say.  But there simply wasn't enough time in the day.  The first three days of the week I was sick, unable to do anything but lay in front of a fan all day and occasionaly eat a cracker or two.  

I was leaving Saturday.  And I was missing my classes. I was so angry...what kind of lesson was the universe trying to teach me?! By Tuesday, I had had enough and I went to the doctor. Though it was just the common flu or something along those lines, would have gone away if I just waited it out, I didn't have time.  I needed to get better in order to properly wrap up my life in Luang Prabang before my excruciatingly early flight Saturday morning. 

The last three days of those week I did not have one minute to sit down.  I was constantly running around, doing all the things I wanted to do but kept saving for "tomorrow".  That lesson has been learned...tomorrow always comes sooner than you think. The good thing was, with all of my running around I hardly had time to think about how I was feeling.  That was good, at the time, until Friday came and my emotions got the best of me.  

Friday.  I will probably never forget that day.  I have three classes a day, and I knew I was saying goodbye to all three in one day, obviously.  All my students knew I was leaving.  I told them two weeks earlier that I only had two weeks left.  My first class ended, and they all wanted to take photos.  We took a bunch of pictures, I gave them my email, they came up to me privately at the end of class to say thank you and ask what my future plans were etc. That was okay.  I walked away without shedding a tear, and went to my novice beginner class.  This class meant so much to be.  It's my most special class, my favorite one, to say the least.  When I first started teaching, I found it the most challenging. All the novices were at different levels, you could kinda have a conversation with them but not fully.  I struggled to plan lessons that went well because I couldn't figure out exactly what stage they were at.  But as time went on it became easier, as things tend to do. And by the end I really loved them.  They hold a very special place in my heart, those novices.  They are the most hardworking group of boys I've encountered, and they are truly determined and genuinely kind hearted.  At the end of the class, they gave me orange bracelets which is what monks give as a blessing. That really pulled at my heart strings.  People are not supposed to really show emotion in front of monks, especially crying.  I was really trying hard to hold back the lump in my throat.  I wish them all the best and I really hope they get what they deserve someday,  it's so upsetting that there is nothing I can do to ensure that.  

The last class of the day was the first class to ever welcome me into Laos, the first one that I taught.  The biggest class, most challenging, the most rowdy, and the most entertaining. It's at the college and there are three novices in the class, the rest are just normal college students. At the end of that lesson, one of my novice students whom I'd grown very close to gave me a beautiful bracelet that he'd made -it must have taken ages. That was so special to me.  I had never felt more appreciated by anyone than I did in that moment.  All the thank you's meant the world to me.   Maybe because of the looks on my students faces that made me know in my heart they meant it, that I HAD made a difference.  Those looks also broke my heart.  I knew I couldn't stay, deep down, but I kept asking myself why.  Why did I have to go? If I REALLY wanted to, I could have stayed. But deep down I knew I had to go home, I had to go to college, I had to go back to my life in the states. And what really broke my heart is how much these people, my students who became my friends, understood that. They would say things like, "I hope you get to go to the university you wish to go to," " I hope you succeed and get everything you wish to have." The novices tied bracelets around my wrists, wishing my family good health and fortune.  They care so much, they have the biggest hearts, but they have so little.   I want so much to be able to give them all the opportunity they deserve. It's really just not fair, how so many kids in the western world take their education for granted, or just don't care at all.  These kids would do anything for a chance to attend a college even remotely like what we have back home. 

I had a hard time handling the whole goodbye thing at that point, I could feel myself breaking down so I quickly left the classroom and headed down the lane to where I was living.  As I left the school, one of my other favorite students, Somai, called after me, "Bye teacher Wildes! See you in New York someday." I swear, it was like a movie moment.  The tears really started flowing then and I pretty much broke down.  It was mostly anger that I was feeling. I was so mad that I could open my heart a much as I did to these people only to have it completely broken.  I'd never suffered a heartbreak as deep as that.  I was angry that there was nothing else I could do, I couldn't take them all back with me and I couldn't guarantee their future. The novices, they gave up everything they have, literally, for an education.  I mean how many 11 year old boys do you know who will do that? And then stay that way until they're at least 19, 20? They're my heros.  They taught me so much.  And they turned me into a better person. 

So now I am in Stockholm for another week.  It's been two weeks, I wrote this post in bits and pieces since I left Laos.  Arriving here was surreal.  After spending the last six months in SE Asia, it was a shock to be here.  The weather was cold, the streets were clean. I spent a lot of the first week (and the second to be honest) watching netflix, eating real bread and butter, and other western foods, taking hot showers, sleeping in a real bed, just being overall very lazy.... And trying to process all that happened in my life the last half of a year and where it leads me to now. I'm eternally grateful for everything my time in Thailand and Laos has given me. And I'm also sad, for all that I left behind.  The amazing friendships and bonds I formed with fellow travelers. The locals who are so proud, and for good reasons. They have SO MUCH, while physically having so little. They've been through so much, and still keep their beautiful smiles.  The people who mentored me, shared so much about their personal life to help me understand things I have yet to sort out. People who respected me, treated me as an adult, even though 18 is hardly grown up. People who became like my sisters, or brothers. Who opened their hearts. People i will never forget, even if we lose touch.  Life works in mysterious ways, and I'm eternally grateful for it allowing our paths to cross. 

I am going to school this fall.  The university of Puget sound in Tacoma, Washington. I had talked about wanting to go to UMO for financial reasons, I applied and everything but in the end, Tacoma is where I am supposed to be and I know that. I am going to Italy in one week until may 8th. I will see my host family, my mom, my grandmother, and my sister.  They will also meet my host family, and finally after two years, I will be able to mesh my two worlds, Italy and Maine into one. And then I'll head home. I want to get my degree in social work, and it's very likely that in the next couple years I'll take a break from school to travel again; or at least before grad school. I don't want to be the person who has the "best year of their life" only to go home and be tied down by something and never travel again and it all just becomes an old faded memory. I'm meant to work with people from other cultures, to do as much good as I can during my lifetime.  I know i have so much to give and after furthering my education I'll have even more.   This experience has changed me in ways that I cannot put into words, as much as I've tried. And I will never be able to let this go. I want this to be my life, full of adventure and that natural high that comes with visiting new and enchanting places. Working with people from whole different worlds, giving all i can to help better other peoples lives and keeping an open heart and mind to be able to receive as well. I want others to feel what I felt. To understand. I hope to influence others,and to continue being influenced and inspired by those around me. Nothing in my life will ever stop me from doing that.